You’re a couple of months into a relationship. You’ve started hanging out at your boyfriend’s place, and him at yours. You’re getting along great. There are just a couple of little things…red flags, perhaps? You have a feeling that he’s a momma’s boy…
He doesn’t know how to work his dishwasher, before making any major decision he calls his mom, and, on more than one occasion, his mom has shown up unannounced during date night at his place. If you’re noticing any of these things, you’re dating a momma’s boy.
Now, this isn’t all bad, and it may not be something permanent, so don’t go running in the other direction just yet. A momma’s boy, having learned a lot from his mom, can be particularly sensitive or thoughtful. And the lack of independence? Well, that’s something he can learn along the way if he decides to make your relationship a priority.
Mommas Boy? 5 Signs To Look Out For:
Being a momma’s boy isn’t a one-size-fits-all thing. It’s a sort of spectrum. You’ll find men who can’t seem to do anything without their mom’s approval, and you’ll find men who like to have their mom’s helping hand around from time to time. So, what are some of the signs that he’s a momma’s boy?
1. He Doesn’t Know How to Do Basic Chores
When you’re at his place, you notice that he’s unsure which button to push on the microwave, doesn’t seem to realize you need to clean the stovetop more than once a year, or leaves dirty towels scattered on the bathroom floor. If you notice this, he has likely relied on his mom to do these basic tasks and never learned them for himself.
2. He Calls His Mom…a Lot
It’s relatively normal–and healthy–for someone to talk to their parents once or twice a week. It’s less reasonable, however, to call them every day and talk for hours. If you notice this is happening with your boyfriend, this could be a sign he’s a momma’s boy.
3. He Needs His Mom’s Approval to Make Decisions
You’ve been talking about going on a vacation together, or even moving in together, but he won’t give the thumbs up until he has talked it through with his mom. If he seems unable to think for himself or find he talks through problems with his mom more than with you, this could become an issue for the relationship.
4. He Compares You to His Mom
He has put his mom on a pedestal and compares you to her often, especially when he’s upset with you. If he has said things like, “If you were just more like my mom,” or “My mom wouldn’t do that to me,” this could be a sign that he’s a momma’s boy.
5. He Acts Immature When She’s Around
Every time she comes over (sometimes unannounced), he seems to regress to a five-year-old version of himself. He asks her to do everything, laughs at everything she says, and may even stop paying attention to you altogether.
Is Dating a Momma’s Boy Good or Bad for Your Relationship?
There’s no easy answer to this question, and it really just depends on the person. It can often be a great thing to have your momma’s boy (aka partner) to have a good relationship with his mom. She’ll be there for him (and for you) whenever she’s needed, she will help him through tough decisions, and she will teach him how to be a better boyfriend by being thoughtful and compassionate.
However, if their relationship is too interdependent, you can get in the way of building a healthy relationship with him.
For example: If he always takes her side in arguments; goes to her to discuss problems you’re having in your relationship; or prioritizes spending time with her over you, these could spell the end of a relationship.
Momma’s Boy: What to do if its hurting your relationship
After reading all of this, you may be concerned that your relationship is doomed because he’s a momma’s boy, but that doesn’t have to be the case. Here are some things you can try if his relationship with his mom is hurting your developing relationship:
Talk to him
This should be the first step, every time. He may not realize that his relationship with his mom is problematic or that it’s causing distress for the relationship you’re trying to build with him. Start by having a conversation about what you’ve noticed and what your concerns are. Remember to start your sentences with “I feel” or “I’ve noticed” so that he doesn’t feel you’re attacking him with statements like “You’re doing this” or “How can you.” If he comes to agree that it’s a problem and something he wants to work on, that’s a great start.
Tag team a conversation with his mom about him being a momma’s boy
The problem may be less with your boyfriend and more with his mom if she’s unwilling to let go and let him be independent. In this case, you both need a conversation with her about the boundaries that need to be set. This should come from a place of love and understanding, not a place of judgment and anger. Remember, having a good relationship with his mom is a good thing for your relationship.
Help him learn how to take care of himself
No, this shouldn’t be your job, but from here, he may need help learning how to do his laundry, keep the bathroom tidy, or make the bed. If this is the case, offer to show him (not to do it for him) so that he can start down a path of more independence.
Ask him to make your relationship a priority
After setting boundaries with his mom, you’ll likely have to set boundaries with him as well. Let him know if any of these things bother you:
- He discusses your relationship problems with his mom. (kindly ask him not to do so)
- If you don’t like that he ignores you when he’s with his mom (let him know that you’re unwilling to take a back seat anymore)
- He cares about you and wants your relationship to work (he won’t have a problem making you a priority)
Be patient and wait for his momma’s boy phase to pass
If you are genuinely interested in the relationship being successful, you’ll need to realize that change takes time. If he’s a momma’s boy, it may take months or years to develop a greater sense of independence and unique identity. Only you can decide if you’re willing to practice the patience; it will require to wait for all of this.
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